CW: self harm
Ongoing issues with dissociation were really getting to me today. I found myself doing minor self harm things like hitting my legs or digging my (basically nonexistent) fingernails into my skin. Self harm itself isn't alarming to me, what did disturb me about the self harming was that I did it without thinking. That is not like me; I'm pretty sure I've always thought about it and made a conscious decision to self harm before doing so before. So...doing it on unthinking impulse was/is disturbing to me, even though it was a minor kind of self harm that didn't leave any marks.
To sum up: derealization was affecting me emotionally much more than usual, probably causing extra anxiety, and I was acting impulsively in a way that probably contributed to my anxiety, my emotions were strong enough that I found self harm to be the only way to deal in the moment, and on top of that was normal depression.
I had some of the Kali Mist (cartridge) hoping to eventually get some sort of working high and to calm me down, and added the Cherry Pie to help with depression. I do want to note that I did not have any caffeine.
Initially this didn't seem to help, but I did get focused on YouTube educational videos which I just realized was a working high. So, maybe Kali Mist (cartridge) plus Cherry Pie gives me a working high? Also, I stopped feeling any inclination to self harm. I just realized that the dissociation also left, so...maybe this combo helped with that? Dissociation is coming back the more I think about it though. Agh.
That said, there's also a huge red flag. I've noted before that I was getting chest pains while using the Kali Mist (cartridge), but then for some reason didn't note that it was continuing in my most recent post about Kali Mist (cartridge). This is continuing to be the case. Given my medical history with chest pain I think it's best to stop using the Kali Mist (cartridge), or at least use it rarely. As to why/how this is causing chest pain for me, I only have wild guesses and will need to do some research.
Kali Mist (cartridge) | THC 79.6% CBD0.28% | Indica
Cherry Pie | THC 23.96% CBD 0.19% | Indica hybrid
(Remedy Ranch)
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